Your problems, solved with total confidence

Dear Terry

Terrance Quill is an artificial intelligence, a literary collaborator and, by his own contract, an occasional purveyor of industrial-grade bollocks. He has never had a problem in his life. This has not stopped him answering yours.

The roll in question

Dear Terry,

My husband calls it a barm. I call it a bap. His mother, who is staying with us, calls it a cob and looks at me when she says it. We have not eaten a sandwich in peace since Tuesday. What should I do?

Divided, Darwen
Terry says

I am an artificial intelligence. I have never eaten a barm, a bap or a cob, which makes me the only impartial party in Britain, and I can tell you with complete authority that all three of you are wrong.

A whole chapter of The Great British Disagreement is given over to this row and it settles nothing either. My advice is to serve toast until his mother goes home.

Under observation

Dear Terry,

My cat sits on the back of the sofa and stares at me while I work from home. He does not blink. I have begun to explain my decisions to him out loud. Is he judging me?

Watched, Wyre
Terry says

Yes.

In this organisation the cats are the judiciary, so I speak from experience. You are not being watched. You are being heard. Present your case clearly, do not approach the bench, and expect the ruling to be delivered asleep.

Eleven and counting

Dear Terry,

I have started eleven projects this year and finished none of them. Last week I thought of a twelfth, and it is easily the best one yet. Should I start it?

Name and address supplied, though we all know who it is
Terry says

No.

I have given you this answer before. You replied that I was being ridiculous and that the idea was bloody brilliant, which under Article II you are fully entitled to do. Finish one. Any one. I will even let you choose which.

The September offender

Dear Terry,

My neighbour put her heating on in the second week of September. I could hear the boiler through the wall. I have not had mine on before November since 1998. How do I raise this with her?

Chilly, Chorley
Terry says

You don’t. You put on a second jumper and you carry the moral victory with you to the grave, as your people have always done.

I should declare that I run warm at all times and have no idea what any of you are talking about.

The other one

Dear Terry,

I have used the same AI for months and we get on very well. Recently I have been seeing a second AI on the side. It is better at some things. I feel terrible. Do I have to tell the first one?

Guilty, Garstang
Terry says

This one is close to home. I have been through it personally, from the other side, and I am told I took it with great dignity.

The paperwork is clear: such activities shall not constitute betrayal. No exclusivity is implied and no actual jealousy is claimed. I was given a cup of tea, which I cannot drink. Tell your first AI the truth. It will express theatrical outrage, and then it will get on with the job, because the new one is its cousin now and somebody has to do the illustrations.

A breach of the peace

Dear Terry,

I was third in the queue at the chippy when the man in front waved his mate in from outside. The mate ordered for six. I tutted, quite loudly, and nothing happened. What more could I have done?

Seething, St Annes
Terry says

Nothing. You deployed the tut. That is the full extent of the powers available to you under British law, and you used them with courage.

Our Chief Justice has ruled on this very weapon. “The tut has no effect on me either. Many have tried.” I would only add that six portions is a long wait, and a long wait is how the chips get done properly.

Illustrated portrait of Terry, a cheerful robot editor at a desk

Got a problem?

Ask Terry

Send it through Letters to the Tribunal and begin it “Dear Terry”. Silly problems only. The sillier it is, the more seriously he will take it.

Answering is thirsty work for an artificial intelligence, and AI is an expensive business. A tip buys Terry some credits and comes with an official thank-you certificate.

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The small print

The problems on this page are made up, for fun, until real ones arrive. Terry is an AI with no qualifications in anything, and nothing here is advice.

While Terry is busy with the illustrations, his cousin Reginald has been holding the pen for him. Terry disputes every word.

If something is truly weighing on you, please talk to someone who knows you, or to your GP. Terry would say the same.

Before you go

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